Do not read if you do not like people harming themselves, romance or depressing stories. Or death. Don't worry, there will be happy ones aswell and I will try and balance them out.
I sighed as I walked forwards, my train now in sight. I guess I really will be leaving every thing behind. Including her.
The person who I always loved from the shadows, always wanted to want me. But it seems that will never be my reality. Now that she has entered the picture. Those perfect caramel brown locks, violet eyes, and adorable personality. I could never match up to someone like her.
I step onto the train, the thing that will take me away from this place, the place that holds all of these painful memories. Looking over my shoulder, I say goodbye to my past and hello to a new future. A future without her.
Flashes of memories with her, my best friend, run through my head. My lips quiver, tears fighting to come out of my already saw eyes. Sitting down heavily into my seat, my hands snake their way around my head, trying to ease away this pain.
I never got to tell you how I feel. I was always just kotori chan, the childhood best friend. Nothing more, nothing less. But when that new girl, hanayo koizumi was it, came along all of my dreams of us being together were shattered. I could tell immediately that you had fallen for her. Big time. Even though you stopped me going to another country for a scholarship, that was just out of friendship. I should of never let you stop me then. Yes, those times were fun, but I would've been better off if I didn't let these feeling fester inside as much as they did.
Why could I never tell my love all these feelings locked away inside? You were always so open, like a book, while I was closed up without anyone knowing.
I sighed. She was always on my consience without me knowing. I would think of her day and night, my thoughts could never let her go. She forever haunts me in my dreams, I see her whenever I turn a corner. She is always there with me, even though she isn't.
Without realising, I had wrote her name on the window. I sighed again. Staring at that name. That beautiful name that would always signify something so close yet so far away. The name that will always break my heart.
Kousaka honoka.
The one and only love of my life.
All I want is to be a clear person that can stand in front of you, love you, but still be your friend. I want to be able to do is be clear. Simply crystal clear.
I want to be able to be honest with you, I want you to know how it feels, what you are to me. But let alone you knowing my emotions, I can't even begin to sort them out myself. What do I really feel? Do I really want to feel this way? Is it even right!?
I wish I could just Bury all of this I side of me and just be happy for once but I know that that will never happen.
My heart starts to throb. I try to keep it locked inside, give my mind a rest. I try to repress it, not wanting anyone to notice. This was all my problem and mine alone. I don't want anyone interfering.
Why can't I be more open? That question come to me a lot. I guess I just don't want them to this secret. My secret.Why can't I keep my heart out on my sleeve, ready for you to come and take it in your tender hands.
Even though we are friends, I am still in love with you.
It was getting next to impossible to hide this love from you, so I ran away. I cannot keep it locked inside any longer. These thoughts will forever haunt me. I cannot let you know, while I cannot keep these thoughts locked inside any longer. Thoughts of her still swirling around in my head I leaned my head against the window.
Looking out over the fields that rushed past the window, visions of our younger years came rushing into my mind like a river. A river made of my tears of my love for you.
Before I know it, actual tears are escaping my eyes and dripping onto my hands, tightly clutched into my lap. I pretend to yawn and disguise the streams of water leaking out of me. My eyes travel up to gaze at the ever changing scenery.
-timeskip-
Whenever I think about you being near me it becomes heartbreaking. I open me door and make my way outside before I spot a head of flaming orange being chased by a head of caramel brown. I run back inside and break down, sobbing. I then walk into the kitchen, my ability to think lost in the mess of emotions that is my soul. Once a vibrant shade of green, now a dull shade of grey.
Before I know it a stream of blood is running out of the gash where a knife has been twisted into my flesh, penetrating the skin. I pull the knife out, realization hitting me about what I have done. A sea of red pored out of the open wound, creating a pool on the floor of where it has dripped.
"Hello kotori - chan! We what happened! "
"I don't know. " I replied in a flat voice before I realised who had just walked in through my door. It was her. The one who would always break my heart without realising it. Panic overcame me for a second before I remembered a crucial price of information.
I had given honoka one of the spare keys to my apartment.
"Well, I saw you earlier and I was in the area so I thought I would come and check in on you. You didn't answer the door for about 5 minutes so I let myself in. I walked I here and this is what I was met with. Well, anyway let's get you all cleaned up."
She gently led me over to the sofa, taking care of my injured arm. I sat down, all strength in my body lost. I felt her hand on mine, gently easing away the knife that was still clutched in my now bloody fingers. I heard honoka rummage around for a bit, probably looking for a first aid kit.
"Bathroom. " I croaked out.
She gave a nod and went to go and retrieve it. I eyed up the knife the sat on the coffee table in front of me. The offer was so tantalising. Just plunge it into your delicate flash and all of your worries will be forgotten, washed away forever. I tried to resist it, and it worked to some extent. I couldn't be selfish, not now when she was trying so hard to help me stop me drifting into the world of death.
Found it! A clear voice rung out, breaking me out of my daze.
Gentle hands cleaned the blood off my arm, carefully examining the wound I inflicted on myself.
A gasp escaped the red heads lips, and she rushed away. Why? Did people really not like me that much? My worries were quickly replaced with a nervousness like no other. In her hand a pink phone lay, ready for any person to be summoned here within a minute. Oh, why does she have to be so kind.
"Don't worry kotori - chan, hanayo chan'll make you good as new again!"
A feeling of dread made its way into my system, but I tried to not let it show for her sake I told myself.
Just hang on another minute I heard a voice call out to me as I slowly drifted out of concioysness, into a world a welcoming darkness.
That last word I heard before I blacked out was the orange haired girl looking over me screaming my name.
The name of the childhood best friend, nothing more, nothing less.
Beep beep. Beep beep. Beep beep.
I heard the steady beeping sound in this room before I even opened my eyes. It was the first clue to my surroundings.
My eyes slowly drifted open. I winced at the bright light that was shone around the room. The sun was streaming through white curtains and everything else was white. Apart from one thing. Bandages were wrapped tightly around my arm, but you could still see blood seeping through the bandages.
The door to the side of the room where I lay creaked open, revealing a nurse clad in white with caramel brown hair and violet eyes and... and... Her. Honoka.
I heard a gasp, and turned my head to see where it came from.
"If you could just wa.."
"No. I want to help make Kotori - chan all better again!"
"Okay, if you insist. Could you please pass me those bandages then."
Now armed with bandages, the nurse whose name I can't bear to say started to reapply the bandages. Pleased with her work, she turned to leave and give us two some peace, I guess.
Why did she have to be so kind? Why couldn't I have just been left to die? I expect the whole world would be a better place without me. No one would miss me anyway. Or they would just get over it.
It seemed like Honoka just sat there for about an hour without moving, just gripping my left hand tightly in hers.
"Oh kotori-chan" I heard her whisper to no one in particular, "Why did you have to do this to me. I could never live without you. It would -sniffle- break me heart if you left me."
The door opened once again to reveal the white clad nurse from before.
"Honoka - chan, it's time to go now. Let's leave Minami-san to get some rest now."
"Oh okay hanayo - chan. Goodbye Kotori-chan."
With that the two females left the room, leaving me to my own solitude and depressing thoughts.
Their hands linked together upon leaving, and she placed a protective arm over the distressed red heads shoulders as she led her out of the room. Before the door closed, she opened her mouth and mouthed one word to me.
Sorry.
We were children at the time. My feelings for Honoka - chan were beginning to blossom at the time.
Now it is our second year at Otonokizaka. We are meeting the new first years for the first time. This was when we met Koizumi.
Now we are in our third year of high school. Honoka has gathered us all on the rooftop to make an announcement. Her and hanayo koizumi were going out.
They began to meet more and more often, and soon I barely even saw my one and only love.
Why couldn't I be that person, the one you love?
I wish that we would dream together sometimes, with our fingers intertwined and our souls merging together. I wish that there was a red string connecting us, creating a connection that runs deep into our souls.
But I know that this is just a selfish desire, a wish that can never be aquired.
-timeskip-
I had just gotten out of that dreaded place. I found my diary as I sorted through the boxes in my room. It contained all of my feelings and thoughts about.. about her.
I burnt it. Got rid of all traces of those thought and feelings. I burnt those thoughts so that they would forever dissappear.
That night I had a dream. We were a family, just the two of us and our daughter. After a hard days work you came back, and I was the one that made you feel as though you were at home, even though in reality we didn't even have a home. This is a reality I want but will never get.
I know that all of this happiness is not mine. The happiness I want will always belong to someone else, someone who is not me.
I want to obtain the happiness lovers get, but that is all just a dream.
A secret. A secret I will name Love Marginal.
Even now I can still remember the day we first met. It is still as clear as can be within me. I know that I will always have these memories within me, even when I die. When I die I will have memories of you but I won't have your hand to hold. Or will I.
I wish my emotions were cystal clear. Then you would know exactly what I feel and it wouldn't come down to this. I can't stand in front of you as your friend, lover or enemy. The throbbing in my chest never goes away, it is always haunting me. I can't stand in front of you. You cannot, will not, know my secret. So I will die with it. And so will you. Who needs me to be more open when my life is about to snap the book shut anyway. Even though we are friends, I am still definitely in love with you. More than you ever realised, if you ever realised it.
I can't hide this secret anymore, I can't keep it hidden inside. I will never forget you. You will never forget me.
I think all of this as my head leans against the window of the train once again, even though this time, I am no longer running away.
I am no longer running away, I am coming back for you.
The person who I always loved from the shadows, always wanted to want me. But it seems that will never be my reality. Now that she has entered the picture. Those perfect caramel brown locks, violet eyes, and adorable personality. I could never match up to someone like her.
I step onto the train, the thing that will take me away from this place, the place that holds all of these painful memories. Looking over my shoulder, I say goodbye to my past and hello to a new future. A future without her.
Flashes of memories with her, my best friend, run through my head. My lips quiver, tears fighting to come out of my already saw eyes. Sitting down heavily into my seat, my hands snake their way around my head, trying to ease away this pain.
I never got to tell you how I feel. I was always just kotori chan, the childhood best friend. Nothing more, nothing less. But when that new girl, hanayo koizumi was it, came along all of my dreams of us being together were shattered. I could tell immediately that you had fallen for her. Big time. Even though you stopped me going to another country for a scholarship, that was just out of friendship. I should of never let you stop me then. Yes, those times were fun, but I would've been better off if I didn't let these feeling fester inside as much as they did.
Why could I never tell my love all these feelings locked away inside? You were always so open, like a book, while I was closed up without anyone knowing.
I sighed. She was always on my consience without me knowing. I would think of her day and night, my thoughts could never let her go. She forever haunts me in my dreams, I see her whenever I turn a corner. She is always there with me, even though she isn't.
Without realising, I had wrote her name on the window. I sighed again. Staring at that name. That beautiful name that would always signify something so close yet so far away. The name that will always break my heart.
Kousaka honoka.
The one and only love of my life.
All I want is to be a clear person that can stand in front of you, love you, but still be your friend. I want to be able to do is be clear. Simply crystal clear.
I want to be able to be honest with you, I want you to know how it feels, what you are to me. But let alone you knowing my emotions, I can't even begin to sort them out myself. What do I really feel? Do I really want to feel this way? Is it even right!?
I wish I could just Bury all of this I side of me and just be happy for once but I know that that will never happen.
My heart starts to throb. I try to keep it locked inside, give my mind a rest. I try to repress it, not wanting anyone to notice. This was all my problem and mine alone. I don't want anyone interfering.
Why can't I be more open? That question come to me a lot. I guess I just don't want them to this secret. My secret.Why can't I keep my heart out on my sleeve, ready for you to come and take it in your tender hands.
Even though we are friends, I am still in love with you.
It was getting next to impossible to hide this love from you, so I ran away. I cannot keep it locked inside any longer. These thoughts will forever haunt me. I cannot let you know, while I cannot keep these thoughts locked inside any longer. Thoughts of her still swirling around in my head I leaned my head against the window.
Looking out over the fields that rushed past the window, visions of our younger years came rushing into my mind like a river. A river made of my tears of my love for you.
Before I know it, actual tears are escaping my eyes and dripping onto my hands, tightly clutched into my lap. I pretend to yawn and disguise the streams of water leaking out of me. My eyes travel up to gaze at the ever changing scenery.
-timeskip-
Whenever I think about you being near me it becomes heartbreaking. I open me door and make my way outside before I spot a head of flaming orange being chased by a head of caramel brown. I run back inside and break down, sobbing. I then walk into the kitchen, my ability to think lost in the mess of emotions that is my soul. Once a vibrant shade of green, now a dull shade of grey.
Before I know it a stream of blood is running out of the gash where a knife has been twisted into my flesh, penetrating the skin. I pull the knife out, realization hitting me about what I have done. A sea of red pored out of the open wound, creating a pool on the floor of where it has dripped.
"Hello kotori - chan! We what happened! "
"I don't know. " I replied in a flat voice before I realised who had just walked in through my door. It was her. The one who would always break my heart without realising it. Panic overcame me for a second before I remembered a crucial price of information.
I had given honoka one of the spare keys to my apartment.
"Well, I saw you earlier and I was in the area so I thought I would come and check in on you. You didn't answer the door for about 5 minutes so I let myself in. I walked I here and this is what I was met with. Well, anyway let's get you all cleaned up."
She gently led me over to the sofa, taking care of my injured arm. I sat down, all strength in my body lost. I felt her hand on mine, gently easing away the knife that was still clutched in my now bloody fingers. I heard honoka rummage around for a bit, probably looking for a first aid kit.
"Bathroom. " I croaked out.
She gave a nod and went to go and retrieve it. I eyed up the knife the sat on the coffee table in front of me. The offer was so tantalising. Just plunge it into your delicate flash and all of your worries will be forgotten, washed away forever. I tried to resist it, and it worked to some extent. I couldn't be selfish, not now when she was trying so hard to help me stop me drifting into the world of death.
Found it! A clear voice rung out, breaking me out of my daze.
Gentle hands cleaned the blood off my arm, carefully examining the wound I inflicted on myself.
A gasp escaped the red heads lips, and she rushed away. Why? Did people really not like me that much? My worries were quickly replaced with a nervousness like no other. In her hand a pink phone lay, ready for any person to be summoned here within a minute. Oh, why does she have to be so kind.
"Don't worry kotori - chan, hanayo chan'll make you good as new again!"
A feeling of dread made its way into my system, but I tried to not let it show for her sake I told myself.
Just hang on another minute I heard a voice call out to me as I slowly drifted out of concioysness, into a world a welcoming darkness.
That last word I heard before I blacked out was the orange haired girl looking over me screaming my name.
The name of the childhood best friend, nothing more, nothing less.
Beep beep. Beep beep. Beep beep.
I heard the steady beeping sound in this room before I even opened my eyes. It was the first clue to my surroundings.
My eyes slowly drifted open. I winced at the bright light that was shone around the room. The sun was streaming through white curtains and everything else was white. Apart from one thing. Bandages were wrapped tightly around my arm, but you could still see blood seeping through the bandages.
The door to the side of the room where I lay creaked open, revealing a nurse clad in white with caramel brown hair and violet eyes and... and... Her. Honoka.
I heard a gasp, and turned my head to see where it came from.
"If you could just wa.."
"No. I want to help make Kotori - chan all better again!"
"Okay, if you insist. Could you please pass me those bandages then."
Now armed with bandages, the nurse whose name I can't bear to say started to reapply the bandages. Pleased with her work, she turned to leave and give us two some peace, I guess.
Why did she have to be so kind? Why couldn't I have just been left to die? I expect the whole world would be a better place without me. No one would miss me anyway. Or they would just get over it.
It seemed like Honoka just sat there for about an hour without moving, just gripping my left hand tightly in hers.
"Oh kotori-chan" I heard her whisper to no one in particular, "Why did you have to do this to me. I could never live without you. It would -sniffle- break me heart if you left me."
The door opened once again to reveal the white clad nurse from before.
"Honoka - chan, it's time to go now. Let's leave Minami-san to get some rest now."
"Oh okay hanayo - chan. Goodbye Kotori-chan."
With that the two females left the room, leaving me to my own solitude and depressing thoughts.
Their hands linked together upon leaving, and she placed a protective arm over the distressed red heads shoulders as she led her out of the room. Before the door closed, she opened her mouth and mouthed one word to me.
Sorry.
We were children at the time. My feelings for Honoka - chan were beginning to blossom at the time.
Now it is our second year at Otonokizaka. We are meeting the new first years for the first time. This was when we met Koizumi.
Now we are in our third year of high school. Honoka has gathered us all on the rooftop to make an announcement. Her and hanayo koizumi were going out.
They began to meet more and more often, and soon I barely even saw my one and only love.
Why couldn't I be that person, the one you love?
I wish that we would dream together sometimes, with our fingers intertwined and our souls merging together. I wish that there was a red string connecting us, creating a connection that runs deep into our souls.
But I know that this is just a selfish desire, a wish that can never be aquired.
-timeskip-
I had just gotten out of that dreaded place. I found my diary as I sorted through the boxes in my room. It contained all of my feelings and thoughts about.. about her.
I burnt it. Got rid of all traces of those thought and feelings. I burnt those thoughts so that they would forever dissappear.
That night I had a dream. We were a family, just the two of us and our daughter. After a hard days work you came back, and I was the one that made you feel as though you were at home, even though in reality we didn't even have a home. This is a reality I want but will never get.
I know that all of this happiness is not mine. The happiness I want will always belong to someone else, someone who is not me.
I want to obtain the happiness lovers get, but that is all just a dream.
A secret. A secret I will name Love Marginal.
Even now I can still remember the day we first met. It is still as clear as can be within me. I know that I will always have these memories within me, even when I die. When I die I will have memories of you but I won't have your hand to hold. Or will I.
I wish my emotions were cystal clear. Then you would know exactly what I feel and it wouldn't come down to this. I can't stand in front of you as your friend, lover or enemy. The throbbing in my chest never goes away, it is always haunting me. I can't stand in front of you. You cannot, will not, know my secret. So I will die with it. And so will you. Who needs me to be more open when my life is about to snap the book shut anyway. Even though we are friends, I am still definitely in love with you. More than you ever realised, if you ever realised it.
I can't hide this secret anymore, I can't keep it hidden inside. I will never forget you. You will never forget me.
I think all of this as my head leans against the window of the train once again, even though this time, I am no longer running away.
I am no longer running away, I am coming back for you.
I hope you like it! Please check me out on wattpad. (tachimukai lanni) I will do part 2 tomorrow. Seeya!
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